Shirley Feeney Determined Fit To Stand Trial

After much thought, Milwaukee District Attorney Hosensepher has deemed Shirley Feeney fit to stand trial of the assault of Andrew "Squiggy" Squigmont. Feeney had through a bowling ball on his foot and pasta in his face at The Pizza Bowl. On a violent rampage she then tried to club her landlord Edna Babbish in the head with a baseball bat.
Her Attorney Schlemiel Schmozel claimed she was under undue stress to her Boo-Boo kitty being decimated by Squigmont, and her boyfriend Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa dumping her for not putting out.
Laverne Dafazzio has posted bail,as Feeney remains no flight risk. Her trial is set for late December back in 63.

What Would Watts Do

Anytime you feel unsure of yourself, just think, What Would Watts Do?

Mike Seaver Stops Being A Screw-Up

Mike Seaver has decided to stop being a royal screw-up. He has chosen to go to Alf Landon Jr college to obtain a teaching degree to help Leonardo DiCaprio in his new star vehicle role as Luke, the homeless but plucky teen. When asked what were his deciding choices, he stated " I never got away with fucking anything anyhow, so I might as well 'straighten up and fly right' and get something out of it"

Happy Harry Hard- On Becomes A Talking Cliche

Mark Hunter, Alias Happy Harry Hard-On, has become a talking cliche. While making perverse small talk on his pirate radio station the other night, he choked on his Blackjack gum while "talking hard".
The "Eat Me Beat Me Lady" has said, "He died for his art, and also had a hell of a good soundtrack to boot."

Joey Jeremiah Unaware He Is In A Television Show

For the last 25 years Joey Jeremiah has been unaware that he is part of the television shows Degrassi Junior High, Degrassi High, and Degrassi The Next Generation.
Snake, his BFF, and former band mate, broke the news to him that his whole life was a figment of The Canadian Broadcasting Networks imagination. He stated " Well, I guess that's why Alanis Morissette never returns my calls". He is slated to star in Degrassi Assisted Living later in life.

Gina Kincaid Says Screw You Harsh World

Gina Kincaid, Donna Martin's cousin says" Screw You" to the world after being screwed over by Dylan McKay once again. Gina, 25 ,once a world class ice skater, says " I don't give a fuck that Kelly Taylor was once a Seventeen cover girl model, I hate her guts!" and vows to make her life hell at the beach apartment. " I plan to put shaving creme on her hand and tickle her face!!!" When asked if she bore any animosity toward Kelly, she said " That Bitch won't know what hit her when the millennium comes". Never the less we are all awaiting 2000.

Reality Bites For Troy Dyer

Reality Bites for Troy Dyer. He is in love with Lelaina Pierce. Stuck in a bizarre hipster grunge-like love triangle with slick Michael, he is accused of having a "glitch". An altruistic believer the art of time suckage, Lisa Loeb has decided to ask him to Stay.

Kelly Taylor Has Changed Her Profile

Kelly Taylor has now become an entrepreneur and needs everyone to know she is no longer a slut, and is now semi-practically engaged for several years to Brandon Walsh. Walsh states for the record that Kelly is good at being the most versatile character in 90210, especially for overcoming harsh setbacks such as drug addiction, rebound love affairs, and spontaneous combustion. Val Malone recently stated " Even though I am leaving 90210 and still hate Kel, I hate her a little less than I did in 1995.

Darlene Connor " Is In A Relationship" with David Healey

Darlene Connor and David Healey are now in a relationship, thanks to Facebook. Wiseacre Darlene says " Had there not been a button for that, I don't even know if I would have kissed the little AssHat". David replied that he "Liked This"

Nellie Oleson Gives Others Farm-Ville Accessories

A shocking revelation occurred when Nasty Nellie Oleson gave her Facebook Friends Farm-ville Accessories wirh no-strings attached. Usually quite skeevey, Nellie has been quite the charmer to her new friends, vowing not to repeat her tenure on Friendster a decade ago.

Brad Hamilton "Shares" Something Unpleasant

While having delusions of Grandeur Brad Hamilton inadvertently "Shares" something unpleasant with Linda Barrett. After a hard day dressed as a pirate he claims he has work to do and becomes the advocate for knocking on doors.

Guido The Killer Pimp involved in "Mafia Wars"

Although his lawyer says the charges are trumped up, "Guido The Killer Pimp" is being held on suspicion of organized crime for stealing "Artsy Fartsy Things" from Joel Goodsons suburban Chicago home. Lana however, turned states witness against Guido and his Mafia Ties, stating " Sometimes you just gotta say What The Fuck".

Carol Seaver "Likes This"

Carol Seaver said she "Likes This" and has given her " Thumbs Up" to the latest SQL server handbook. Featured in last months Wired, Carol owes her computer savvy to watching Wargames, and is now working on Artificial Intelligence with Boner Stabone. Together they speak the "international language" of binary code.

Paula Tardy" Unfriended" By Marcia Brady

Marcia Brady has Unfriended Paula Tardy over what inside sources call " a case of bad judgement" when drawing a satirical portrait of their ugly homeroom teacher Mrs. Denton. Mike and Carol Brady almost nixed Marcia's slumber party because of it. Tardy, 14, has stated that the Brady's just set too high expectations for their guests and don't even have any Circus Peanuts at the party, so she is leaving.

Duckie " Pokes" Benny

Duckie apparently became enraged at Benny, the fool girlfriend of Steff and poked her eye out. Andie felt sorry for her and designed her a custom made Pretty In Pink eye patch. Personally, I haven't cared for her since 1987 when she called Gena Gershon names in gym class.

Billy Campbell Is Pretty Much A Dick

After watching a million seasons of Melrose Place again, I have concluded that Billy Campbell is not a stand up guy and is pretty much a dick. He has made myriad of bad judgements which include sleeping with a bunch of Allison's best friends, and with a bunch of his best friends girlfriends. Lowest of all, he slept with Julie Newmar to get an ad campaign. Go play some soccer, douche bag.

Jeannie Bueller Sick Of All This Shit~~Changes Name To Shauna

Jeannie Bueller got sick of everything and changed her name to Shauna. In a confidential interview she told Ben Stein that she told Charlie Sheen to put his thumb up his butt. Thankfully Jeannie was not brought up on charges of making a phony phone call and told the AP that kissing Sheen, like oatmeal; was the right thing to do.

Carolyn Mulford Becomes Somewhat Less Of A Douche-bag

Carolyn somehow lost her status as the schools biggest douche-bag by becoming friends with Farmer Ted. Since then she has donated her white pumps and pearl necklaces to inner city youth, as well as her time tutoring pre-algebra. Everyone is really rooting for her!

Heather Macnamara Was So Underrated

Poor Heather Macnamara, the 3rd most popular of the Heathers, even though she was a cheerleader; she still has the misfortunes of Martha Dumptruck. No-one really cared enough about her to make her stand out as a character, as the movie was really just a star vehicle for Veronica Sawyer and JD who was channeling Jack Nicholson, she just got lost in the crowd of Westerberg High. Poor Heather; she never resurfaced after 1989, no lunchtime polls, diet cokes, or hairbows.

Mike Damone Is A Little Prick, or So Says Linda Barrett

Mike Damone was too cool for school. It's like he has all the girls at Ridgemont High entranced with his soundtrack to a life spent listless and rogue. Most all girls would have done him, even if for just for a Led Zeppelin 4 side 1 experience. Stacy Hamilton should have just stayed away, and never offered him iced tea; in my humble opinion.

Geek Got HOT!!!!!

I totally think Anthony Michael Hall got super hot in Dead Zone. He totally bulked up and became a total babe! I mean who would have thought Farmer Ted could become a hottie! Anyways, over six seasons Johnny sees a whole bunch of stuff that's supernatural and white knuckle entertainment, hold onto your seats cause he will get your underpants in 10 minutes.

Chainsaw Is Totally Hot

Yeah, I think Chainsaw from Summer School is totally hot. I mean, he loved horror flicks, and so did I! We had so much in common, coolness, intellect, broken shades,and the ineptness for parallel parking, we were meant to be! But then Dave came and spoiled all of our fun and we wound up just playing Scrabble. Not too cool, bummers. I have always hoped he somehow got in a hottub time machine to 1987 and we would hook up, that would be rad! But gosh darn it, I gotta go cause Ski School is ON DEMAND. Dean if you read this, totally visit me on Facebook, and you'll see that I was pretty hot in 1987 too! :0)

Even though Katie Kanisky's Hair Was Perfectly Feathered...

I used to be friends with Katie Kanisky, then she turned into an Uber Bitch. She took away my boyfriend and stole my allowance out of my piggybank. She's just a damn right a-hole, even though her hair is like perfectly feathered and her Izod shirts are perfectly layered, I feel as though she should watch her back cause you never know what might happen in 1982.

I Made Out With Six~It Was Awesome

Oh yeah, I kissed Six really good when she was a total alcoholic! She had all these rough times in the 90's when she was on Blossom and we had 8 dirty martinis and we just got into a groove and had a blast to some Deee-light songs at some NYC clubs (although we were bridge and tunnel)like Danceteria and the old Studio 54. When "Groove Is In The Heart" played we just moshed the nite away,wound up sharing Randall from Clerks!!! She's a really good kisser I must say. I must say it was the highlight of my decade and wound up on VH1!!!!

Blair and Jo~Frienimies Till The End

Blair Warner and Jo Paulnicheck were the first real "frenimies". A love /hate relationship was bound for infamy, circa 1983 in the television show The Facts Of Life. Times were uncertain, Peakskill was going through turbulent times; but yet the semi-colon was made use of and Natalie used her thoughts in Journalism 101. Blair had cool hair, and Jo had a knack for telling people off in a crass and cocky, but yet spunky flair,and wearing semi-cool pastel blazers, while Tootie tried to act her way out of a paper bag in" A Very Special Episode". Don't ever forget~ It takes alot to get em right, the facts of life are all about you.

Becky Connor Was Kind Of A Hot Mess

Although Becky Connor had A's and lovely stupid Mark as a boyfriend, you have to admit she was really kind of a hot mess. Her hair was absolutely horrible and her clothes looked like poop. I think that the 2ND Becky was the best.